Memory Loss
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Danger first. If anyone may be hurt, call 911 now.

Call 911Call or text 988

988 is the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: any hour, by call, text or chat, including when you are worried about someone else. This page cannot see or answer an emergency.

Caregiver moments

Short steps for the hard minutes at home. Pick the moment you are in. Read one step at a time.

What this page is

A bath or shower is refused

Bathing can feel scary, cold or embarrassing. A "no" is often fear, not stubbornness.

  1. If they push back, stop. Talk about something else and try again later. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  2. Say it simply, then offer a choice. "Bath now, or in 15 minutes?" "Bath or shower?" Source: NIA
  3. Warm room, warm water, soft light. Get towels and soap ready first. Source: NIA
  4. Keep them covered. A towel over the shoulders or lap; wash under it. Start with the hands or feet. Source: NIA
  5. Give them a job. Let them hold the washcloth or the shampoo. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  6. A sponge bath or a warm towel bath counts. In one trial in nursing homes, a towel bath and a gentler, person-centered shower each cut aggression during bathing by about half. Source: Sloane 2004 (PubMed)
  7. Never leave them alone in the tub or shower. Source: NIA

Getting dressed is refused

Too many choices, too many steps, or a rush can turn dressing into a fight.

  1. Slow down. Rushing makes it harder for both of you. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  2. Offer two outfits, not a full closet. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  3. Lay clothes out in order. Hand over one thing at a time. Source: NIA
  4. One short step at a time. "Put your arm in the sleeve," not "Get dressed." Source: Alzheimer's Association
  5. Let the small things go. If they want the same outfit every day, have two or three of it. A mismatch is fine. Source: NIA
  6. Choose easy clothes. Elastic waists, slip-on shoes, Velcro instead of buttons. Source: NIA
  7. If it is still no, pause. Being pushed to do something that has become hard can lead to agitation. Come back to it later. Source: NIA

Awake at night, or late-day upset

Restlessness and confusion that grow as daylight fades is called sundowning.

  1. Stay calm. Come close gently. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  2. Check for a need. The toilet, thirst, hunger, pain, being too cold or too warm. Source: Alzheimer's Association Source: NIA
  3. Say the time softly. Do not argue. Tell them all is well. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  4. Do not hold them down. If it is safe, let them walk while you watch. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  5. Make evenings quiet. Less noise, lights on, calm music or old photos. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  6. Tomorrow, build the day. Daylight outside, some activity, no long late naps, no caffeine or alcohol late in the day. Source: NIA
  7. If they become aggressive, step back to a safe distance. In an emergency, call 911 and say they have dementia. Source: NIA

The same question, again and again

They may not remember asking. It is the disease, not the person. Source: NIA

  1. Answer again, calmly. As often as needed. Do not argue or explain why. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  2. Answer the feeling. "When is Mom coming?" may mean "I feel unsure." Say you are here to help. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  3. If they can still read, write the answer down. Put it where they will see it. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  4. Use a clock, a calendar, a note or a photo. They can reassure. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  5. Look for the trigger. A time of day, a person, boredom. Offer a simple, pleasant task. Source: Alzheimer's Association

You are at the end of your rope

This happens to caring people. It is a sign you need help, not a sign you failed.

Call 911Call or text 988Helpline 1-800-272-3900
  1. If anyone may be hurt, call 911. If you are thinking about hurting yourself, or afraid you might hurt them, call or text 988. Both answer any hour. Source: 988 Lifeline Source: NIA
  2. If they are safe, step back. Take deep breaths and count to ten. Source: NIA
  3. Call the Alzheimer's Association Helpline: 1-800-272-3900. It answers 24 hours a day, every day. Anyone can call. Run by the Alzheimer's Association, not by this site. Source: Alzheimer's Association
  4. Ask for a break. Respite care gives a caregiver short relief, from a few hours to a few weeks, at home or at an adult day center. Source: NIA Find programs near you: ARCH National Respite Locator.
  5. Let a neighbor give you an hour. Family, friends or volunteers can give respite too. Source: NIA In Boulder, Colorado, the co-op.care time bank lets neighbors give and bank hours of help, respite included. An hour is an hour; never cash.
  6. Ask for one small thing. When someone offers, try: "Thanks for asking. Here's what you can do." Source: NIA

Check what you know

Eight questions, each keyed to a line on this page. A wrong tap shows the line and where to re-read it. It measures what this page explained, not how you are doing as a caregiver. Nothing leaves your phone.

    Next stops

    Tell the doctor what is happeningTurn what you noticed into one page for the visit. Stays on this device.Practice a hard conversationScripted, not an AI. Nothing is sent or recorded.A plan for tonight: familycaregive.comFor the family member who has become the helper.Write down what matters: caregoals.comTap cards for care wishes, while the person can still say them.

    Sources